The Ten Commandments of Rugby

1. Thou shalt not hesitate at the breakdown, but be mighty in the seizing of your rightful ball; for though it is written that the meek shall inherit the earth, this is in truth but a poor translation. The meek shall be trampled into the dirt is more to the point.

2. Thou shalt not speak profanely of the Whistler, nor question the purity of his birth, even though he be blind to the transgressions of the evildoers among thine enemies at the ruck and the maul, and whistleth them not.

3. Thou shalt not smite thine enemies with an clenched fist, yeah, even in retaliation; for it is written that the Whistler and the Flag Waver shall assuredly be blinded to the coward which delivereth the first punch, only to see that which avengeth it second. Believeth thou then that what goeth round it shall surely come to pass again, and verily, in the fullness of time, the evil among men shall surely be found at the bottom of the ruck.

4. Thou shalt not kiss thy teammate on the mouth, even when he hath scored; for such is an abomination unto the iRB, especially he that kisseth in tongues, unless it cometh to pass that thou shouldst play with the circular balls, for then it is truly expected of thee.

5. Thou shalt not take the Word of the Lord thy Coach in vain, for blessed is the Word of that Lord. Verily, thou shalt wonder at His mighty wisdom and sticketh thou then to His Game Plan lest He acquainteth thee with these of his disciples who labour in the lower grades.

6. Thou shalt not chip nor kick for touch if thou be numbered amongst the props or if thou wear any jersey below that of the number 9; for this is an abomination unto the Word of the Lord thy Coach, and surely shalt thy soul and thy body be His at training, perhaps in everlasting pain.

7. Thou shalt not run across the field with the ball in hand, but see that thou runneth straight ahead upfield; for it is written in the Word of the Lord thy Coach that the touchline is the best defender.

8. Thou shalt not kick the ball to the hands of thine enemies unless first thou maketh it to bounce; for then the Spirit of the Bounce of the Ball shall bring confusion among them, and if thy heart be pure, shall command that it bounceth back unto you.

9. Thou shalt not pass the ball to a brother thy team-mate about to be smashed by thine enemies, unless it be known to all men that he oweth you money, or hath porked someone dear to your heart, in which case all shall be forgiven and then, verily, thou mayest pass to him right slowly and on high.

10. Thou shalt not vomit upon the brethren of thy team after the game, nay even though thou hast partaken right fully of the waters of Guinness or of the entrails of pigs in a pie or of the beans which baketh right slowly in an earthen crock, for this shall be deemed unmanly in the eyes of thy brethren, and they mayest do it unto you

 

 

Shecky's Deep Thoughts

I have been thinking about my role in this life and some of the things that I hold dear. High on that list is the game of rugby. I thought I might share with you a few of my thoughts on the role that each individual part plays that makes up a cohesive rugby team. While some of you may disagree with the message, I feel it is important to share with you all the knowledge that I have gained in my years of playing rugby.

Front Row - Without a doubt the manliest men on the pitch. Large, often hairy, beer swilling carnivores that can and will smash anything in their path. Reveling in the violence inherent in the scrum, they are rarely considered "nice" people, and in fact to some they aren't even considered human at all. This attitude is tolerated by front rowers far and wide because they recognize their role at the top of the food chain and are used to suffering the fools that surround them. Accused by some of simply being dumb, I prefer to think of this group as "open to unconventional ways of thinking".

Locks - Slightly below the front row on the food chain. As with front row players it is inadvisable to put an appendage you wish to keep near this group's mouth when they are in the feeding mode. This group of large, often foul smelling brutes is also more than willing to relish the finer points of stomping on a fallen opponent's body and will gleefully recount the tale ad infinitum. While they tend to take the tag "Powerhouse of the Scrum" a little too seriously, they can be useful if inured with the proper hatred of their fellow man. While members of this proud fraternity like to think of themselves as "open to unconventional ways of thinking" - they are usually just dumb.

Back Row #'s 6, 7 & 8 - These are fine fit fellows who, like a bunch of hermaphrodites, are confused as to what their role in life should be. While they know they are undeniably linked to the forwards, there are those among them who long for the perfect hair and long flowing gowns that come with being a back. Some relish the forward role and will do anything to win the ball and there are others within this group that will break the prime directive of the forward and do anything to prance foolishly with the ball. Generally, these guys are not all bad, but I, personally, have to wonder about any forward who brings a hair brush and a change of clothes to a game.

Scrum Half - Some like to think of this back as an honorary forward. I myself tend to think of the #9 as half a fag. While this position is almost always filled by the toughest back, this idea is almost laughable - kind of like the hottest ugly chick. The scrum half's presence is tolerated by the forwards because they know that he will spin the ball to the rest of the girls in the backline who will inevitably knock the ball on and allow them the pleasure of another scrum. The #9 can take pride in the fact that he is the lowest numbered back and that as such he can be considered almost worthwhile.

Fly Half - Primary role is the leader of the backs - a dubious honor at best. Main responsibilities as far as I can tell is ability to throw the ball over people's heads and to provide something soft for opposing back rowers to land on. Expected to direct the prancing of the rest of the backline - the fly half, like any good Broadway choreographer, is usually gay. While some may argue that these girls must be protected, I find it hard to support anyone whose foot touches a rugby ball on purpose.

Centers - Usually come in two varieties - hard charger or flitting fairy. The hard charger is the one to acquire as he will announce his presence in a game with the authority rarely found above #8. The flitting fairy is regrettably more common and will usually attempt to avoid contact at all costs. The flitting fairy is also only one good smack away from bursting into tears and leaving the pitch to cry on the shoulder of his inevitable girlfriend. Both types will have extensive collections of hair care products in their kit bags and will be among the best dressed at the post game festivities.

Back Three - While some people refer to this group as 2 wingers and a fullback, I swear to God I can't make out any difference between them. They are all fucking homos if you ask me. How these three guys can play 90 minutes of RUGBY and stay clean and sweat free is beyond me. I know for a fact that their jerseys sometimes go back in the bag cleaner than when they came out. These ladies are fond of sayings like "Speed Kills" and "Wheels Win", how cute. These guys will be easy to spot after the game because they are the finely coifed, sweater wearin', wine sippin', sweet talkin' homos in the corner avoiding the beer swilling at the bar. On the whole, I really don't mind this group because in the end, they sure are "purty" to look at.